Limericks and Odes to Compost Loos. Volume 1, June 2017
From a request on the Compost Toilets for Boats and Off-Grid Living Facebook Group
VOLUME 1. Compiled by Colin in June 2017
Warning!! Language not for the faint-hearted!
by Colin Ives
There was a young woman called Winkle
Who would love to sit back for her tinkle
So she opened the flap
with her bum at the back
Now the sawdust's all wet from her sprinkle.
There was once a young lady from Killkenny
Who was so desperate to spend her a penny
The urgency was clear
‘Cos her need was so dear
And luckily her bottle was empty
by Alan Baxter
There is an old man in Nantucket
Who shits everyday in a bucket
He sits down to wee about quarter past three
He's still there and I'm desp'rate -- oh f***it
by Marie Baker
There was a young man from Dundee
Who insisted on standing to pee,
He stood by the po
And proudly let go
And it splashed back and soaked all his knee
There was a young lady called Pru
Who once bought a composting loo.
She said "It's my goal
To s**t through the hole
But it's not very easy to do”.
by Fran Fenton
There was once a Old man and his trusty Kildwick.
He only needed to empty it when he filled it.
He sat back once a day, and enjoyed covering his bum clay.
In only the finest sawdust shavings from Wilko-it!
by Lizzy Lisa Bannister
There was an old boater who went to the loo
But a lavie like this, he hadn't a clue
Which hole do I use he yelled out loud
Gongoozlers stopped and formed a crowd
There was an old boater who went to the loo
But a lavie like this, he hadn't a clue
Which hole do I use, the front or the back?
The designer of this is getting the sack
by Tony Smith
Park yer ass whatever you pass,
as close to the front as you can.
No need to teach
Just consider your reach
And ignore the buzz, it's a fan!
by Melanie Parsons
I met a young man from Crewe
Who had a new compost loo
He struggled with shitting
And peeing when sitting
And he still hasn't quite got a clue!
A compost loo is a work of art
But there’s things to learn right from the start
With the old type of loo, you could flush and go
With a compost loo this just won’t do
All of your dumps do not go away
Right in that bucket they will stay
Same with your wee (It’s much the same)
In a separate pot that will remain
So a new routine you must adopt
Old habits you had must now be stopped
You must pee tot he front, and poo to the back
All of your solids must now hit the sack…
But don’t be alarmed, it’s a easy matter
And you’ll be proud as punch, from here ever after!
To pee or not to pee
Is really not the question
It’s the direction that you point it in
Being the ultimate intention
A woman sits to do her thing
This is the normal pose
But a man will stand when he does his thing
And down the hole it goes
Now pay heed, you men who wee
A good aim is what we’re after
You must now sit (for pee and shit)
To avoid a mix disaster!!!
by Mike Tt
My first time on a compost loo,
I thought my aim would be true,
But my load missed the hole,
Some went in the bowl,
And so mixed up my pee and my poo
If you're like me and live in a van,
You'll save water wherever you can
With a composting loo, you separate pee and poo, and for slight smells just turn on the fan.
by Caroline Tuberfield
An Ode to bettering your bog.
And so my chums in Kildwick
Are building compost loos
At first it started slowly
But now it's followed through.
From basic tubs and boxes
They started in a tent
But now they're doing business
And a unit they must rent.
Their loos are really lovely
They've developed such a range
You can even have them glittered
If you're fancying a change.
A bit of decoupage
And in shades to suit your mood
You can sit there really happy
Whilst you wee or do a poo.
Their colour combos dazzle
There's one for any taste
And there's even special baggies
To help you deal with waste.
They've developed special bottles
You can carry with some ease
And with a super stirrer
you can compost if you please.
Maria is so skilful
with an eye for good design,
And Colin does the techie stuff
on their production line.
They've done tons of research
Their loos withstand the tests
They'll make you sing with happiness
And really impress guests.
So if you're fed up with the elsan
And the pump out makes you groan
Contact the folks at Kildwick
They'll provide you with a throne.
An ode to poo beginnings...
There was a lovely lady and Maria was her name
She used to use a cassette loo but thought it was a shame
She didn't like the elsan points as no one kept them clean
He stink was overwhelming after someone else had been
She had a word with Colin and they did both agree
There must be some improvement for removing poo and pee
They sat down in contemplation
To formulate a plan
They came up with a compost loo - the story thus began
They started out quite simply and began to feel their way
But it seems that others too believed
cassettes have had their day.
Now their compost loos are super
Glitter splitters are the rave
Their compact loos go anywhere
And Kildwick's really making waves
So we wish you all the best
And hope it's really not too crass
When we toast you and salute you shouting
'Where's there's muck there's brass’
I'm going to have to stop this now
As it's straining at my brain
I'd go outside and sunbathe
But it's pouring down with rain
I can't get to the sofa
Or I'd rest up for a while
But as usual it's full of crap
All mounting in a pile
I've already done the dishes
So perhaps I'll make the tea
The flaming cassettes full again
So I can't have a pee
So I'll cross me legs whilst cooking
And wait for George to wake
I'll be off to veggie boaters group
To think of what to make
Probably a curry
You know what I am like
I'd bugger off to Tesco
But there's a puncture on me bike
I've found an unripe plantain
lurking by the sink
So once again it's curry
Soz not sorry for the stink
by Georgie Bees
It's easy to compost your poo
Just remember these things you must do
Men always must sit
Women perch forward a bit
No smells, unlike other styles, too.
We don't like to think that it's waste
On principles, sound, it is based
Use sawdust or other
Carbon content to cover
And give back to the earth without haste
If you need a portable loo
For camping or offgrid to-do
Take a basic composter
It's not an imposter
It's simple and ethical too
You don't to have a main drain
To live closer to nature again
A composting bog
All your friends are agog
But this throne over others does reign
It's easy as easy can be
To compost your poo and your pee
Buy a loo ready made
DIY makes the grade -
Like the one built by Laurence and me
There was a young man who was new
To using a composting loo
He tried standing up
The mucky young pup
And peed all over his shoe
The water you use when you flush
Is expensive and wasteful and such
Dry closets are best
Give the planet a rest
Use the compost on a shrub or a bush.
If you have a conventional loo
(Into which you pee and you poo)
Mind out for your toothbrush
When you've finished and you flush
You'll be cleaning your teeth with the goo
So you're into this composting caper
But what do you do with the paper?
Just chuck it in
or a separate bin
or burn in the fire with a taper
Now you've filled your bottle with wee
It's fertiliser for free
Dilute it a bit
It's a sure-fire hit
Poured on grass or under a tree
The poo bucket lasted two weeks
And some people think we are freaks
But the saving's immense
Not just a few pence
You can hear our jubilant shrieks
Any man who'll not sit down to pee
In defence of his mas-cu-lin-a-tee
Needs to do a re-think
Or have far less to drink
Or go behind a nice tree.
by Alan Wildman
There was a young lady called Mog
She had problems when using her bog
It used to smell foul when emptying her bowel
And the stink all around was like fog
Then one day she bought a composter
About four hundred quid it did cost her
Now there's no smell at all when she answers the call
The composter - a love we should foster
When you empty your separating loo
With the proceeds, oh what do you do
Just tip away the pee, make logs from the poo -
and then burn them the whole night through
As I sit on my composting loo
Just having a pee and a poo
I know for "certin" that I ain't "hurtin"
Planet earth with chemical goo
Oh today is a wonderful day
I have "bogged" in a different way
No more elsan or pump out
No more awful stink out
I've discovered the composting loo
In these days of widespread pollutions
You can contribute towards the solutions
When you piddle or poo
Use a composting loo
The best way to do your ablutions
To piddle and poo in a separating loo,
It's as easy as can be
Just aim your bum at the bit at the back
And then aim at the front for your wee
As I sit upon my composting throne
The extractor fan makes a comforting drone
Wee to the front, poo to the back
Composting bogs are the real crack !
Bogee, oh bogee, I do love thee
You separate my poo and wee
You don't smell and you're cheap to run
Separators are the best bogs under the sun
No more stinky Elsan nor smelly pump outs too
I have found my salvation in a nicer, kinder loo
So whence this liberation, I can hear you say
It's all because I now bog in the separating way
by Katherine Watts
There was a young lady from Diss,
Who thought she would just have a piss,
But she had no control
And pooed in the hole,
That silly young lady called Fliss.
Now that silly young lady from Diss,
Who had proudly thought she'd not miss,
Gave her face a quick slap,
She'd forgotten the flap,
When she turned and was confronted with this.
There was an old man from the Rio Grande,
Who thought it his god given right to stand,
He pee'd with such power,
He created a shower,
That covered the walls and the washstand.
This same old man from the great Rio Grande,
Admitted that this wasnt planned,
He agreed with a whimper,
That yes it was now much damper,
And he'd clean up his mess with his hand.
This reformed old man from the Rio Grande,
No longer feels that he is unmanned,
By the need to be sitting,
Whether peeing or shitting,
Plus it keeps his dear wife sweet and kind.
My Compost Loo – an ode.
Are you sitting comfortably, then I will begin,
For you to still be standing then that will be a sin.
You might not think it matters
If your peeing causes splatters
Or your aim might be so dire
That you miss the loo entire
But let me tell you,
and I give you this for free,
You really wouldn’t want to be around me when I’m angry
Now I’ve also been told, if I might make so bold
That some ladies do not have full sphincter control
So, if you are not sure what you came in here for
Please release the flap in case of accidental crap
You do not want to hear, the sound of me squealing,
Nor deal with the squishing of the errant ‘little darling’ (in the trap)
I can cope with a little bit of wee in the poo
I’d advise you err to caution, in case of follow-through
Please keep my loo pristine, and leave it all nice and clean
As I can be a little vicious when I vent my spleen!
There was a man called Stan
Who used to point Percy at the pan
But now he must sit not just for a s***
But I know the man Stan can !
There was a young man called Magoo.
Who wanted a pee in the loo.
But for composting wees, he'd need to bend at the knees,
and plonk his bum on the seat properly too!
There was a young lady from Looe,
Who sat on her throne for a wee and poo.
Moving fore and aft,
To perfect her craft,
Bum back fanny forward should do.